Exploring the Trinity of Gender
The experience of density, separation, and continuity of physical reality, allows Spirit the opportunity to express itself in a very unique way. There is a narrowing of perception that occurs when embodying a physical form, which facilitates the process of discovery from the vantage point of an “individual self”. Physical reality is a reflection of Spirit, composed of crystalized delineations of beliefs, thoughts, and emotions. The fluidity of Spirit is becoming more widely recognized, which has led to the awareness that Spirit can be integrated into the physical experience. Expression of gender is one of the ways that individuals are beginning to explore this concept.
Collectively, as a world, we have finally started to explore the spaces “in between”. Gender is no longer defined as a dualistic experience, but rather as a spectrum that contains every variation of the feminine and masculine qualities. Simplified into three primary forms, gender could be described as a trinity; Feminine, masculine, and neutral. Neutral doesn’t always imply androgyny or an equal feminine/masculine balance. Gender neutrality can be experienced as an ever-fluctuating dynamic between the traits associated with feminine/masculine identities. Within this neutrality, exists the nonbinary identity: The experience of relating to and reflecting gender beyond the traditional male/female construct.
The nonbinary expression can be a very complex experience, and is unique to each individual who shares that identity. Those who identify in this manner may perceive themselves as androgynous, as fostering traits associated with one end of the spectrum more than the other, or as having no experience of gender whatsoever. It’s a self-defined experience that can’t be compared to the perspective of any other nonbinary individual.
Both the masculine and feminine traits are needed to create harmony, and require validation as being equal expressions. Every individual embodies the qualities from both ends of the spectrum, allowing for an integration to occur within. Feminine attributes are emphasized and communicated by one’s intuitive abilities, depth of imagination, and artistic capacity. Masculine attributes follow the inspiration provided by the feminine, and are expressed through creative action, the ability to manifest, and the analytical mind. When harmonized, these qualities naturally form equilibrium within an individual, and in a society as a whole. However, the current polarized charge between the two, indicates a greater need for the balancing influence of gender neutrality.
To be able to perceive the self from a limitless, connective, and balanced stance, is an indication of a deeper understanding of individuality. Knowing the self as a fractal of the entire frame, is a perspective that ultimately leads to an even broader awareness of self. Unity is created from a collective of unique self-defined beings, and cannot be achieved by denying individuality. The willingness to explore and expand the self is necessary for the evolution of humanity. The more emphasis that is placed on cultivating trust, empowerment, and self-love, the more natural it will become to reflect those same qualities in relationships with others. Gender exploration can be a bridge that leads to a more inclusive, compassionate, and unified world.
Gender Neutrality: Embodying My Natural Self
Along my personal journey, I have deeply investigated myself from every possible perspective. The process of discovery is infinite, and has continually revealed aspects of my being that were previously masked by limiting beliefs. By delving into the concept of gender expression, I’ve been able to cultivate a broader understanding of my multidimensional self. I’ve realized that every detail of my life is part of an elaborate orchestration; conducted by various levels of my own expanded consciousness.
Upon reflection, I understood that my exploration of the gender trinity began as early as age 6.
I was raised in a very supportive household, with nurturing parents who encouraged my self-expansion. There were no insistences or rules on how I needed to present myself, therefore I was allowed the freedom to discover my own definition of self. My parents didn't preconceive an identity to force upon me. With this in mind, I explored both “girl” and “boy” toys, games, clothing, and even make-believe identities during imaginary play. I could be anything. In first grade, I realized that I enjoyed expressing myself as a little boy, and wished to dress accordingly.
The school I attended in first grade was very small, and had a strong community-feel to it. With my parents support, I socially presented as a boy at school, though was still referred to with feminine pronouns and my birth name. I had a short haircut, and dressed in what would traditionally be considered “boy’s” attire. My best buddies were boys, and I don't recall ever feeling any pushback or confusion from my peers or teachers. I felt very comfortable in this expression, and remember enjoying the feeling of my short fluffy hair, and the fun dinosaur characters on my T-shirts.
I continued expressing myself in this way into the beginning of second grade, where I attended a new school. It was there that I encountered my first experience of judgement in regards to my appearance. This school was larger, and had a more competitive mindset that overrode the feel of community. Some of the girls in my class would tease me, and wouldn’t allow me to play with them since they perceived me as a boy. I decided to try out dressing like a girl again because of the comments I was receiving, and arrived to school one morning in girl’s attire. I endured many stares from my peers, and was locked out of the girl’s bathroom by the girls who didn’t believe I was one myself. This quickly resulted in a change of schools, which led to the discovery of a very small, nurturing, and alternative school that suited me very well.
The effects of the bullying persuaded me to continue presenting myself with more feminine characteristics throughout the remainder of my elementary years. I realized during this time, that I still felt exactly like “me” no matter how I appeared, or was referred to. As I explored new interests and discovered my passions, I was given new outlets for self expression that provided great fulfillment. This school had a very family-like environment, and consisted of only 9 students and two teachers. There was unconditional acceptance of all the students, and a very positive dynamic set in place. My self-awareness expanded in new directions beyond gender expression, and was supplemented by the friendships and connections that unfolded for me.
The next significant moment that occurred for me in regard to gender, transpired in 8th grade at age 13. I had begun reminiscing the feeling my short haircut gave me when I was younger, and desired to recreate that experience. I received a pixie-cut, and immediately felt the freedom and relief I remembered from years ago. I had a smile on my face for weeks, and every cell in my body felt aligned. Though it was only a simple change in appearance, it represented something much deeper that I wasn't able to fully comprehend until my later teens. At this stage, I still hadn't encountered any insistence from my peers on labeling myself. I allowed myself to start exploring androgyny with my clothing and the styling of my hair, which unveiled more of my authentic self.
After completing my freshman year of high school, and a period of contemplation that followed, I decided to shave my head. I felt a great degree of liberation, and perceived myself as being the most unfiltered version to date. It was at this time, that I also began my journey as a sculptor, and became deeply immersed in my artistic expression. I observed how my feminine intuitive inspiration was combining with the masculine quality of creative action, which were both present while making my sculptures. Art was presented through my appearance as well, and blossomed into a passion for self-portraiture. I began to recognize and identify the gender trinity within my photos, and felt drawn to investigate that further. My life started to reveal a deeper, spiritual perspective that colored all of my endeavors.
Gradually over the next couple of years, I began presenting with a more masculine appearance. At 17, I become close with a friend who identified as transgender. This was my first exposure to the concept, and accelerated my process of understanding myself through the lens of gender. I hadn’t ever pondered labels before, and was curious to learn all the ways in which individuals can identify themselves. I appreciated the self-empowering quality that labels provided to those exploring gender in this capacity. With the transgender perspective reflected by my friend, I realized that there were aspects within me that related to the same experience. I gave myself permission to explore this concept personally, and for a trial-period used he/him pronouns and shortened my name to “Will”.
I continued demonstrating gender as primarily masculine up until age 20, and was very comfortable with the idea of living the remainder of my life as a male individual. My physique began to mirror my masculine identity as I began lifting weights, choosing clothing that accentuated such features, and used makeup occasionally to enhance the masculine qualities of my face. I was more commonly perceived by others as being a young man, and was often referred to with he/him pronouns. I began to contemplate the possibility of hormone replacement therapy, and analyzed that potential reality from many angles. I was deeply immersed in my spiritual explorations at the time as well, and ultimately decided against pursuing the path of any permanent changes to my physicality. I came to the realization that I truly enjoyed the fluidity that my current gender expression allowed me, and I didn't want to confine myself to one gender polarity over the other. By committing to a male expression for life, I would have been taking away my freedom instead of adding to it. This is not true for all individuals investigating gender, but for me, I desired expansion within the trinity of gender expression, not the duality.
A softening occurred in my self-perception, and I acknowledged the idea that this chapter of my life may have been coming to a close. I finally embraced the vast, limitless canvas of gender neutrality that had been within me all along. I freed myself from any self-imposed rules, restrictions, and expectations of how I needed to be, and accepted the invitation to discover myself from a new point of view.
Gender neutrality is the theme I am still exploring presently, though it has shifted into primarily an inward expression. I no longer feel the need to convince others of my truth in an outward manner. Therefore, my desire to represent my gender through specific attire is not as strong as it used to be. I’ve placed greater emphasis on expressing my natural, unfiltered self, which is ever-fluctuating in my physicality. Just as I realized at a younger age, I feel like “me” no matter how my outward reflection appears. I came to understand that I am a being comprised of all my previous selves, and each one contributes to my continual expansion. These various aspects of my consciousness phase through me as a seamless sequence of identities; all integrated into my singular being. Some of these expressions remain more prominent, and others are only briefly embodied from time to time. All of them are me, and I will forever remain connected to each character that once danced on the stage of “Willow”.
At this stage in my journey, I no longer desire external validation in regard to labels and gender pronouns. I am deeply appreciative of, and fascinated by, the way others personally interpret my gender. Their perceptions of me contribute to my own understanding of self, and allow the opportunity to unveil a new aspect I otherwise may not have seen.
I translate my nonbinary experience into everything I create; including my sculptures, written pieces, and verbal communication with others. I intend to convey a theme of balance within each of my creative endeavors. I feel very strongly about validating, honoring, and celebrating every quality within the gender trinity, and encourage everyone to ponder their own relationship with gender. Even if someone strongly associates with the gender they were assigned at birth, one can always deepen their understanding of the feminine/masculine qualities they hold within. The exploration of gender leads to a greater acceptance, allowance, and integration of all aspects of the self.
Fundamentally, gender is invisible, but with the various media and tools provided by physical reality, gender takes shape visibly. Physical reality is nothing but a mirror; reflecting the self from every angle possible.
With gratitude,
~Willow
